In am fearfully and wonderfully made!!

Psalm 139

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

Needed a little self esteem boost today. Feeling a little down about the way I look. The Lord made me , He knew me in my mother's womb. He knew all about my life before it even began. He saw my unformed body. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I will praise the Lord for this body, no mater how bad it looks.

The pits of despair!!

Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.


  While reading this verse I was reminded of The Princess Bride. It brought a smile to my face. Who doesn't love The Princess Bride? I thought it interesting that he says to Wesley " Don't even think about escaping" He basically tells him that it is impossible. How many time do we feel like we are in a pit of despair with no way out? But remember Wesley does get out. Don't listen to what other people think. Don't even listen to your self doubt. Look to the Lord. He will lift you out and set your feet on solid ground.

Earnestly seeking, running the race marked out for me.

 Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 12: 1-3  let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.


Jesus is the perfecter of faith. He endured more than we can ever imagine and yet he presented himself blameless and without sin. I need to run the race marked out for me. Jesus has the road map to my life and all I have to do is ask for directions.

Create in me a PURE heart.

Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, oh God and renew a steadfast spirit within me.



  I started off my devotional today focused on the key word "hope".
Psalm 33:18
But the eyes of the Lord are on  those who fear Him, on those who hope in His unfailing love.

But for some reason I kept finding the word "new". Sing to Him a "new" song, a "new" hope, re"new" my strength. I love how the Lord carefully guides my time with Him. I want Him to do so much for me but am I doing my part. Am I presenting a new person to Him? A person He can mold both inside and out. Create in me Lord. A new heart, a pure heart. Is my heart pure? Even if I don't say things that are on my mind they are still infesting my heart. So Lord I give it all to You, do what you wish and mold me into the person You want me to be!!!!

Don't listen to the naysayers.

While studying Job this morning I came across this verse.
Job 6:8 Oh that I might have my request, that God would give me what I hope for.

He said this while in the midst of his friends who all told him to turn away form God. If you are not familiar with Job let me sum it up for you.

"Job is a man who is wise,  

rich, and good. Then suddenly  

terrible things happen to him. 

His ten children are killed. 

He loses all his wealth. And 

he becomes ill with a painful 

skin disease. 

Three friends come to visit

him, and they try to explain 

to Job why these bad things

have happened. They tell job  

that sin caused his suffering 

and God was punishing him.

Job insists it is not true,

but no one believes him. Job 

becomes very discouraged and 

angry but he still believes  

God cares about him, although 

he don't understand why he

must suffer so. 

In the end, God answers Job in a whirlwind, reminding him that

humans can never understand how great God is."

So you can see that it was hard for Job to have hope when his three friends kept telling him to give up. The Lord also gives him everything back his health and more wealth and children. No matter what this world does to us, the Lord is always in control. He will never leave us or forsake us.

Those who hope in the Lord.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.


   Those who HOPE. Oh how I hope. The bible says my strength will be renewed. He will make it like it was before. I like the verse before this too. Even youth grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall BUT those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength!!!! I will be stronger than the the youth with the Lord. Will I have more energy than my children? If I HOPE in the Lord. I can face anything. He is creator of everything and I can overcome this. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. If the Lord made me this way than He knows what I am up against. He knew I would be at this point right now. He also knew that I could defeat this!!!! Let my HOPE be in the Lord and let my strength be renewed today.

Friday, April 6, 2012

      While researching our upcoming trip to Gatlinburg I realized there are certain things i will not be able to do because of my weight. Horseback riding, white water rafting and ziplining. Not to mention if I want to go to a waterpark and look somewhat presentable. Don't get me wrong, I do not care what people think of me in a bathing suit. I love to swim and refuse to be embarassed. But after a recent outing and seeing the photos that followed I am utterly disgusted. How did I become this big? I know that PCOS has a lot to do with it. I have my Grandmothers genetics and she weighed 300 pounds. That excuse can only go so far though, I need to this for myself, my children, my husband and my Lord.

I have 28 weeks to loose 54 pounds. Can I do it? Will I give up? I can't, this has to be the last straw!!! No more excuses!!!

My Plan:

Start each day with the Lord. ( Only He can help me with this )

Back to veganism. ( This is the only thing I have seen results with)

I will take my weekends off to eat cheese and dairy.

Excercise at least 30 minutes a day.

Blog every day!!!

The countdown starts tomorrow.

28 weeks

196 days

I can do it!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

My Jesus.

I think everyone has their own view of Jesus. How He looks, what He means to you.
I was searching through pictures of Jesus on the internet and for some reason this one struck me. I stared at it for a long time. I could almost see Him smiling at me. Now, none of us reall know what He looks like but it is nice to picyure Him and have an image in your mind. My Jesus is my Father, my protector, my advocate, my healer, my friend, my comfidant, my refuge in the storm, my shoulder to cry on. This picture to me looks like that man. I just want to lay my head on His shoulder and tell Him all my problems. What does Jesus look like to you?

My Firey One

When I chose his name I had no idea what I was in for. Aidan means "little fire or firey one". And he sure did come into the world like a ball of fire.He screamed for the first six months of his life. I remember the second night in the hospital trying to get some rest and Aidan was screaming so loud the nurses could hear him down the hall with the door closed. Now mind you babies are not supposed to cry too much in their first few days of life. That's when it all started. Months of sleepless nights. Days filled with giggling him in his snuggie to try and quiet him down. We tried everything from switching him to soy formula to gas drops. Nothing worked. We were also told by our numerous frantic calls to our pediatrician that colic does not last much past 3 months. Not Aidan, six months is when  it finally slowed down.
He has always had his own opinion, his own rules. Some may think of this as spoiled but he is just his own person. It wasn't until about a year ago that we actually started to worry about him. He became very aggitated and upset with himself. He would be easily embarassed by things that most kids would care less about. He would not wear shorts EVER even if it was 100 degrees out. He never wanted to wear collared shirts. His teachers would say that he often looked confused or close to tears in class. One of the teachers told me he makes an "old man face". He would come home from school and break into fits of rage and crying. He would also keep repeating the phrase " I hate myself, no one likes me". We soon  realized that Aidan's behavior could not longer be explained away by simply saying " He's just a different type of kid" You can  not fathim what it is like to not be able to help your child with his frustrations.We took Aidan to a child Phsycologist and she diagnosed him with an anxiety disorder.

For those of you that know me know that my father suffers from Agoraphobia or fear of large crowds and people and general anxiety problems, which made him a very angry person.. This was a very difficult situation for me as a child. My father was always upset and would scream and yell at us. He scared the crap out of me as a child. There are numerous times where I remember being cornered by him and pushed and screamed at until he was out of breath. Having my child diagnosed with a similar disorder left me uneasy and distressed. I spent many weeks crying myself to sleep. But good news was we knew what it was. I am a huge advocate for medication. I have seen the differences between my father medicated and my father not. We started Aidan on Prozac ( after weeks of advocating for his best interest to his pediatrician). He has been on Prozac for six months now and I am very impressed with the results. He is a happy kid who loves himself now. He wears shorts all the time, feels great about himself and even seems to extend more kindness to youger children.
  Aidan has given me many things to worry about, the time he walked home from Kindergarden because he didn't know who the substitute teacher was, and many things to be proud of, his generosity and ability to laugh and make others laugh. I am so thankful for my wonderful child and look forward to what his life will become.

Ode to Sleep

Oh how precious you are to me sleep. I find myself longing for you more and more. In the days where you do not come I feel your absense. When I can only get a few hours of you I crave more of you. My long hours of work take me away from you and my days are filled with kids robbing me of you. Sleep, oh sleep why have thow betrayed me? Please come find me tomorrow morning. I am in dire need of you.

The place where morning gathers...

For our annual family vacation this year we are headed to South Dakota. I personally can hardly wait. I was there when I was a child and can not wait to share those memories with my children. I have been listening to Rich Mullins lately and his song "Calling Out Your Name". This song echos the way I feel so precisely. This world is full of so many wonderous sights and sounds, smells and feelings. It's amazing to me that as the weather gets warmer so does my mood. Perhaps I am one of those seasonally depressed people or perhaps I just love this earth and all it has to offer. I love the night sky full of stars and the splendid day break that follows. Sometimes I sit on our back porch and take a deep breath and my heart skips a beat. I could travel this earth until the day I die and still never see it's vastness. I am so eager to visit as many places as I can and to impart that sense of wonder into my children. Our family vacations will not consists of tourist traps, they will involve this glorious earth we call home. Nothing can replace that feeling when you stand beside the ocean with your feet in the sand and hear the seagulls flying overhead. Or the roar of the water as you stand on the precipice of Niagra Falls. The feeling of insignificance as you overlook the Grand Canyon. Even just sitting on the bank of a lake and listening the the loons call is wonder enough for me. So as we gear up for the summer we can not wait to "Feel the earth tremble beneath the rumbling of the buffalo hooves." Get out there and enjoy this beautiful home God has made for us! (and listen to some Rich Mullins) lol

Holy Baby Fever Batman!!!!

Those who don't know I had a total of three miscarriages. It was a tough thing to get through. Sometimes even after 4 years it still breaks me open. I wonder sometimes if I had three and had that little girl if I would still have that longing. I get really upset with these Chrisitans who push the "Natural Family Planning" thing and advocate for no BC. I am on birth control because of my PCOS. I am sorry but having  had three miscarriages, one being twins and one resulting in a horrible D and C, I am not in the mood to "throw away" any more babies . That is exactly how I felt after my third. Once again, do not presume to know me or what I have been through. I still hear people say, "Well if you want another so bad just let it happen." These babies were part of me and  there is still a hole where their void is. I am not in any rush to do that again.
So anyway, craving the baby smell lately and the baby fingers and the breast feeding/bonding.Doesn't help that I work in the NICU. I am so thankful for where I am and the two beautiful children I have but........will this longing ever go away?

Normal Believer, Normal Mom

I will not preach at you, I will not tell you how to live your life. I have strong convictions and will stick to them but I don't  believe in "scaring people away". For starters I do not homeschool my children. To address this point I first want to say that one of my best friends does and I think she is doing an amazing job. ( Kudos to you Nichole) My children go to public schools and I don't think that is wrong. They are getting a very good education at a high quality school. We must live Christ out in the real world people, not shelter our children. I do believe homeschooling is good for certain people but do not presume I am a bad mother because I work and my kids got to school. I will not judge you so do not judge me!
Second, I want to say let's please stop beating people with our bibles. I grew up in the church and probably know every bible story to a T but I do not shove it down people's throats. If you want to know anything just ask me. If you want to know " peace that surpasses all understanding" just ask. I rely on God, I talk about God, I even talk about scriptures but I will never speculate where you are coming from, what paths you have walked, what beliefs were given to you as a child or even what circumstances have made you who you are. Only God can know how complex you are. Only He can shine a light in those places. I can simply be available when He chooses to use me.
And lastly, MOMS, please don't judge other moms. It's hard enough to get through our kid's lives without screwing them up somehow. Let's stand beside each other. Let's support each other. Let's get through the mud and the muck in our mommy four wheel trucks together!!!!!
Love to all  of you!

Just so you know....

I am not a perfect mother and never claimed to be. I am not a perfect wife, my husband and I do get in arguments ( I know shocking). I am not a bible beater, although I am a Christian and will probably post some scripture references. I am not a oraganized person, although I wish I could be. I am not a size 0, or even a size 2,4, 6 or 8. I am not a well educated woman,( graduated high school and some college) I do believe my parents and my life have educated me very well though. I will never claim to be something I am not and I will never be false or fake about anything. This is me! Take it or leave it. When it is all said and done what will your legacy be?